Just a Joke

[Mr CRABS]

HAHAHAHA! MORE...

[XiaoBaiTu]

Blondde on the Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blondde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blondde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blondde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Offce Codes

Dress code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada Shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday

and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,

relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three- minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they

can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaint's, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Thank You

The Management

[XiaoBaiTu]

A drunkard was brought to court.

Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter ?

~~~~~~

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,

"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.

"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?

Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

~~~~~~~

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

~~~~~~~~

Man : How old is your father?

Boy : As old as me.

Man : How can that be?

Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

~~~~~~~

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

~~~~~~~

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

' How long has what been going on?' said the man.

~~~~~~~

Girl : Do you love me?

Boy : Yes Dear.

Girl : Would you die for me?

Boy : No, mine is undying love.

~~~~~~~~

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

~~~~~~~~

[XiaoBaiTu]

* MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER *

Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"

Muthu : "13th October."

Interviewer : "Which year?"

Muthu : "Every year."

*****

* MUTHU & HIS MANAGER *

The Manager asked Muthu at an interview....

"Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"

Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."

*****

* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP *

After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?"

Wife: "No! Why?"

Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why."

Wife : ?????????

*****

* MUTHU & TOURIST *

A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village... and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."

*****

* MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT *

Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach.

First he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked.

Then he cut off its second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.

Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.

Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't

walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."

*****

* MUTHU & DRIVER *

When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive."

*****

* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL *

Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.

Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.

Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard

"*WASH BASIN* "

*****

* MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART *

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

Muthu: "It's simple... I will just stop my imagination."

*****

[XiaoBaiTu]

God Loves Blondes

A ###### finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The ###### is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

[Ah-lim]

God Loves Blondes

A ###### finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The ###### is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

Buy........me........a.........ticket......

[XiaoBaiTu]

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

[XiaoBaiTu]

A really bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Verge

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

[XiaoBaiTu]

I want to be six

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To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money 'cause you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you didn't care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field trips. I want to be happy because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair, and everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality. I want to be six again. I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever because I don't know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life, and be overly excited by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something I use for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.....I want to be six again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me. I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else. I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet, and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist, and how to find the money to fix the old car. I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up, and what I'll be, who I'll be, and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back.

I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my significant other, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back, and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together, and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

I want to be six again.

[XiaoBaiTu]

PERFECT breasts

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."

[XiaoBaiTu]

BURIED WITH HANDPHONE.

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Ever heard of the gal who wanted to be cremated with her handphone?

This is a true story of a young college gal who past away last month in Singapore. Her name is Priya. She was hit by a lorry. I don't wanna mention the name of the college. She had a boy friend by the name of Shankar. He stays in Penang. Both of them were deeply in love with each other. They used to spend hours talking on the phone. In fact, u can never see her without her handphone.

She spends 3/4 of the day talking to Shankar. Priya's family knows about their close relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family. (Just imagine their love) . She used to joke with her frens, "If I pass away please burn me with my handphone." She also repeated the same thing to her parents.

When she passed away suddenly, the funeral procession could not lift her coffin. I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from thailand (Pak Darin), who was a fren of her father.

He took a seat and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "This girl misses something here". Then her frens told Darin bout her intentions to have her cremated with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her phone and SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. (Can u feel the fear. i'm shaking at this moment!)

Priya's parents didnt inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. (Pity Shankar). After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom.

Shankar : "Atte, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Dont tell Priya that i'm coming home today. i wanna suprise her."

Her mother replied: "You come home first, i wanna tell u something very important."

When he got to Singapore, they told him the truth about Priya.

Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "Dont try to fool me. Tell Priya to come out. i have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense". Then they show him the original death certificate to him. They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat).

He said... "Its not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me."

Shankar was shaking. Suddenly, shankar's phone rang.

"See this is from Priya. See this..." he showed the phone to priya's family. All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation loud and clear. No cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her simcard since it was placed inside the coffin before cremation. They were so shocked and asked for Pak Darin's help again. Pak Darin brought his master (Tok Chen) to solve this matter. He & Darin worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing...

M1 has the best coverage. Buy M1 shares

[XiaoBaiTu]

A blondde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. 'I've kidnapped you!', said the blondde and then proceeded to write a note saying, 'I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blondde.'

The Blondde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blondde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blondde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, 'How could you do this to a fellow ######?'

[XiaoBaiTu]

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not

even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Raffles and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 20, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent roller skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. **** like you wouldn't believe and an ###### that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by

this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?

I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I tossed her about a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty,

shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And

everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Suzanne, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me

sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a ###### toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think

of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole ###### thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how

even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances

away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f**king remote is?

Love, Dan

[XiaoBaiTu]

2 Different Horses

A blondde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blondde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.

That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.

When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

__________________________________________________ _____________

What I've Dun In Texas!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

__________________________________________________ _____________

Why Did You Eat Him?

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I’m having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

__________________________________________________ _____________

Name Please?

A young blondde woman goes for to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blondde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 23!"

The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This wasn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blondde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Stephanie."

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blondde, "That’s just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…'"

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Christmas Story

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Letter From Mother To Son

Dear Son:

Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it.

Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house. We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.

Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.

Maw

[XiaoBaiTu]

Your Time Is Not Up Yet!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

[Gouldian]

Not sure whether you guys heard of this one.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest one day to visit her grandma.

Suddnely she saw Mr Wolf squating behind a bush, Little Red Riding Hood went up to Mr Wolf: "Good morning Mr Wolf, how are you today?"

Mr Wolf jump up and ran away without saying a word.

Puzzled but nevertheless LRRH conitnued her journey and a mile into the woods, LRRH spooted Mr Wolf again, this time he was squating behind a tree.

LRRH ran up again: "Goog morning..." before she could finish Mr Wolf stood up stared st her and run away.

LRRH was left standing next to the tree wondering what she did wrong. This time she is determine to find out what happen and decides to follow Mr Wolf.

Out of the forest into the meadows, LRRH spotted Mr Wolf. He is behind the large rock this time. Thinking that she may have startled Mr Wolf the previous 2 times, this time LRRH shouted before she reaches the large rock: "HELLO MR WOLF, HOW ARE YOU TODAY? NICE WEATHER ISN'T IT?"

Mr Wolf stood up behind the large rock, obviously annoyed and replied:"WTF, what does it takes for me to take a decent crap?!!?"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Hit him again!

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!

[XiaoBaiTu]

An old farang man aged 75 gets married to a young bargirl aged 20 and goes to his doctor forviagraa . The doctor says ''sorry but giving a man you age viagraa can be dangerous''. The old man pleads and begs for viagraa, after a while the doctor gives in and states though it can only be taken under strict guide lines and only for five days. The doctor says take ''half a dose ,skip a day, half a dose skip a day until the fifth day''. The old man does this for the five days, when his wife rings the doctor and says ''he's dead''. The doctor said i knew giving him that viagraa would kill him'', his wife said ,''no it no viagraa that killhim ,it all thAT skipping YOU TELL HIM DO'.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Whistle

Once, a little boy told his dad loudly in public, "Daddy, I want to pee!". Embarrassed, the dad whispered, saying, "Next time, don't say "pee", but say "I want to whistle". The boy agreed.

All was fine until the day the grandpa came to visit. He slept in the same room as the little boy. In the middle of the night, the boy woke up his grandpa and said, "Grandpa, grandpa, I want to whistle."

Mumbling sleepily, grandpa said, "Not now, do it tomorrow."

"But grandpa! I have to whistle now."

"Okay, okay. If you have to. But quietly, into my ear."