Just a Joke

[XiaoBaiTu]

Never Been With A Woman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing

to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out

a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his

entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns

to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the

room, nakedd and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a

kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

[XiaoBaiTu]

$350 room

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nice Hotel

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists

on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.

He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"

explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Maid's death

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A maid was cleaning a penthouse suite in a fancy hotel for the next couple to rent it. She was dusting near an open window with an expensive potted plant on the window sill. She accidentally knocks the plant out the window and leans out to catch it. She loses her balance and falls out the window. The penthouse suite is sixty stories in the air. After she falls about ten floors or so, a man reaches out of an open window and catches the maid in his arms. " Thank you!" she cries. " How can I ever repay you?" The man looks at her and winks. " I think you know what I want..... he says. " No you pervert!" the maid screams.

Angry, the man drops her. She falls another ten stories or so until suddenly another man pops out of an open window and catches her. " Thank you! How can I ever repay you?" the maid says. The man smiles and says " I think you know what I want baby." " No you pervert!!" she screams. The man gets mad and drops her.

As she is falling this time she thinks to herself " Oh God; if you will just spare my life one more time, I'll do anything."

Sure enough, after falling another ten stories or so, a third man pops out of an open window and catches the maid in his arms. The moment he catches her the maid starts screaming... " I'll do everything to you! I'll bend over and let you have your way with me!!"

"EWWW, SLUT!!!!!" the man says and he drops the maid to her death.

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong....

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of

him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly

clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,

steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the

table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed

"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Morale of the story:

[XiaoBaiTu]

Indon, Bangla & Malaysian

An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Indonesian finishes his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and

shoots the glass to pieces.

He brags, "In Jakarta our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from

the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi obviously impressed by this drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air,

pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink

out of the same glass twice either."

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finishes his drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun

and shoots the Indonesian & the Bangladeshi.

He says "In KL we have so many Indons and Banglas that we don't need to drink with the same ones

twice."

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Lawyer and the Farmer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage, and the farmer realized he was at fault….

After looking over the impeccably dressed and dignified lawyer in his $2,000 suit, silk tie, starched white shirt and polished wingtip shoes, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this; it’s homemade. It'll steady your nerves."

The lawyer did. The farmer then said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" And the lawyer took another swallow.

Then the farmer said “It’s might hot today. Folks ‘round here don’t usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don’t you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?â€

The lawyer frowned, but after a few more sips, he took off his polished shoes and socks; the farmer laughed and said: “Why don’t you take off that fancy tie? And the suit jacket? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit!â€

Off came the tie and the jacket of the $2,000 suit.

At the urging of the farmer, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.

The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. Finally, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the farmer if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. "Not me", the farmer replied, looking at the lawyer, barefoot in a tee shirt and drunk as a skunk, "I'm waiting for the state trooper." . . . . . .

[XiaoBaiTu]

colored condoms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted, "You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple ! "

[XiaoBaiTu]

God's Apples of Life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, 'What are those round things hanging there, daddy?'

Proudly, he replies, 'Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here.'

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, 'Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?'

[XiaoBaiTu]

Qantas, One for the Flyers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious..

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Real Jobs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted...

[XiaoBaiTu]

1 Piece Swim Suit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had my four-year-old granddaughter Zoey with me while I was shopping for a swimsuit for an upcoming cruise. While I sorted through one section of the rack, shesorted through the other. Within a few minutes she had selected a swimsuit.

“Grandma, here is one for you,†she proudly declared.

“Oh, no, Zoey,†I said as I looked at the somewhat skimpy bikini she held up.

“Grandma needs a one-piece.â€

“OK, Grandma,†she replied as she separated the top from the bottom, “which piece do you want?â€

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Good Deed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED - you're in.'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!''

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Blonde Kidnapping

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Flight School

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Quickie In The Bush

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two statues in a park; one of a ###### man and one of a ###### woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'

[XiaoBaiTu]

Watermelon Patch

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation, and he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten,

but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Ghost Story

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of West Virginia, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

[XiaoBaiTu]

meaning of wife

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

2. Will Married:

Guy : finally! Im waiting this moment for a long time...

Gal : do u wan me go??

Guy : Of course not! dont ever think like tat..

Gal : Do u love me?

Guy : Of course! Forever will still like tat

Gal : Do u have another gal?

Guy : No!! i will never do tat...

Gal : do u wan to kiss me?

Guy : Yeah...

Gal : honey...

After married for 50 years...

Read from Below to above

3. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

[DCH]

Upz for xiaobaitu.. long time no update this thread liao

[Lester]

Upz for xiaobaitu.. long time no update this thread liao

yap ... miss his joke ...

[XiaoBaiTu]

Why wedding dresses are white

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and

replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,

he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son

replies : ' WHITE '.

he does the same for the dishwasher,

the washing machine, Fridge

the stove, etc etc.

Then he tells the son:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Deep Rooted Delusion

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.

Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Cup of Tea..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..)

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[XiaoBaiTu]

An awful breakfast

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's

runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"