Humour

[doom]

IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase

when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my

name on the back of the credit card. She informed

me that she could not complete the transaction

unless the card was signed. When I asked why,

she explained that it was necessary to compare the

signature on the credit card with the signature I just

signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in

front of her. She carefully compared that signature

to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would

have it, they matched.

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IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new

neighbor call the local township administrative office

to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on

our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by

cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

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IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in

the central office of a large bank. Employees in the

field call him when they have problems with their

computers. One night he got a call from a woman

in one of the branch banks who had this question:

'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.

Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

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AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect

by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting

it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message

'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed

the copy button each time they thought the suspect

wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was

working, the suspect confessed.

[iLIKEfish]

Forest Gump In Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the

gates are closed and Forest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it''s certainly good to see you. We

have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place

is filling up fast, and we''ve been administering an entrance

examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it

before you can get into Heaven.

Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But

nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. sure hope the test isn''t

too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forest, but the test is only three

questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God''s first name?"

Forest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day

and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had

a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin

with the letter ''T?" Shucks, that one''s easy. That''d be Today and

Tomorrow."

The Saint''s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest, that''s not what

I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn''t

specify, so I''ll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a

year?"

"Twelve." Said Forest

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forest, how in

Heaven''s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there''s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February

2nd, March 2nd..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you''re going with

this, and I see your point, though that wasn''t quite what I had in

mind.....but I''ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let''s go

on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God''s first

name"?

"Sure" Forest replied, "its Andy."

Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can

understand how you came up with your answers to my first two

questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name

Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forest replied. "I learnt

it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY

TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forest, run".

by: unknown