The Official SRC Joke Thread!

[Marineman]

5 Levels of ###### in Your Marriage Life

The first is Smurf ######. This happens during the

Honeymoon, you keep doing it until you're blue in

the face.

The second is the Kitchen ######. This is at the

beginning of the marriage, where you'll have ######

anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom ######. You;ve calmed down a

bit, perhaps because you have kids, so you gotta do

it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is the Hallway ######. This is where

you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F**k

You ! "

There is also a fifth kind of ######: Courtroom ######.

This is when you get divorced and your wife screws

you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and

cleans

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good

money

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to

have ######

4. It is very important that these three women

never met!

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMEN AT THE AGES OF

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, AND 58 ?

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story

18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed

28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take

her to bed

38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed

48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed

58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story

"This life is just a spider's web. So beautiful, but a trap. "

[hypervtec]

Miss Singapore....

No wonder our girls could not get the "Miss Singapore Title" .

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting

with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Ligh t bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"

Miss USA: Lexus

Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini

Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce

Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

The Judge fainted..!!!

[valerossi]

GOOD GUYS....

It a very good1!

A pity that i cannot think of any jokes...

Keep it up guys!

[mUAr_cHEe]

Model Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" he said. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long , but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

[mUAr_cHEe]

an account of a sermon i heard b4...

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the river'."

[mUAr_cHEe]

New Ceo

A company, feeling it was time for a shapeup, hires a new CEO.

The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive

workers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a

wall and relaxing.

The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this

guy.

The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make

a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make

$300.00 a week.........Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two

weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!".

Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves. Feeling pretty good

about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and

asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker

belonged

to?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He was the

Pizza Delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

[mUAr_cHEe]

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch the ending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

[mUAr_cHEe]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

[hypervtec]

Ways girls turn "romantic" guys down!!!

One for the girls....

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?

SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?

SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life--in your wildest dreams.

[hypervtec]

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the

other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid.If you don't believe

me I'll show you." He called his driver Ah Beng over and said,

"Ah Beng, here is a $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a

Mercedes".

To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away,Sir!" and rushed off to

the

showroom.

The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See, told you he was

stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see

stupid,I

will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali.

"Ali, go home now and >check to see if I'm at home. "

To which Ali said,"Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and ran home.

" See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I

cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh,you

know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to the

car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is

Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

[hypervtec]

Smart Ah Lian

Ah Lian and Ah Huay had just finished lunch on a top floor restaurant. Upon

entering the lift, they panicked when none of the lift buttons shows

"1".

Then Ah Lian finally figured it out..

She pressed the button "G" and alas! they were brought to the ground

floor.

Ah Huay, who was very impressed with what she saw, said, "Wah, Ah Lian you

so clever... How come you know?"

Ah Lian proudly replied, "Haiya so easy also you don't know...

"G" stands for Geelo (Zero) lah!!

[hypervtec]

Examination Blurs

Gopal was doing his English paper examination. He was almost through when

he got stucked with the last question. He thought that the instruction is

abit silly but decided to do it anyway. He started to take out his shirt,

pants, shoes and socks leaving only his underwear. When his teacher saw

this, she got a rude shock and screamed "Gopal!! What do you think you are

doing??!!"

Gopal confidently replied, "But madam, the instruction says, answer in

brief!".

[magern2]

Question:

How do the College of Roti Prata Cardinals announce the new pope after the conclave ends?

Answer:

Habemus Papadam!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Suaku (country bumkin) old lady who lived all her life in a farm in Lim Chu Kang went to Takashimaya. She had not seen or taken a lift before, so she was very fascinated with the lifts in the building, and stood for a while to watch. She saw an old man get into the lift and the door close. After a few minutes, the door opened again, and a young boy walked out, eating a lollipop.

"Science is so advanced," she thought, so she went into the lift and pressed one of the buttons. When the door opened, she was very happy, and walked with a spring in her step. She hopped and skipped along.

SOon, she realised people were looking at her strangely, wondering why she was behaving like a child.

"What are you all looking at?" she asked angrily.

"Why are you acting like that?" asked an on-looker.

"That machine over there turn me into a small girl already what," she replied indignantly, pointing to the lift.

[mUAr_cHEe]

Once upon a time, there was 2 golfers playing...

They each hit a ball each into some tall grass...

fed up, they walk over to their each patch of tall grass where they hit their ball into.

the first guy after searching... found his ball in the middle of a patch of well-grown buttercups...

being fustrated from getting into such a tight spot... he threw his temper, raised his club and started swinging and thrashing every single buttercup around the ball...

At this moment... *POOF* a damn swee, chio and nap char bor appear... "I am Mother Nature. I have spent alot of time and effort in growing and grooming this Buttercups. Just because of your own mistakes, you killed all my buttercups. For this I will punish you and curse you for spending the rest of your life without butter. You will not have butter in your pop-corn. No butter for cooking!! NOT EVEN PLANTA FOR YOUR ROTI!!!!" With this angry words, she disappeared!!!

The guy is obviously confused and trying to recover from shock, "HOI! AH SENG AH?? HAVE YOU FOUND YOUR BALL?"

ah seng hollered back, "YAH LAH!!! !$%&!#(& in the middle of a stupid batch of pussywillows!!!"

the first guy, "DON'T SWING!!!! DON'T SWING!!!!"

adapted from Perfect 10, 98.7fm, Daniel Ong, Morning Madness. 6am - 10am.

[Marineman]

Miss Singapore....

No wonder our girls could not get the "Miss Singapore Title" .

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting

with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Ligh t bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"

Miss USA: Lexus

Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini

Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce

Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

The Judge fainted..!!!

You forgot one question the judge asked Miss Spore,

"Which part of your boby you like best?"

She answered " My Nipples".....she actually meant "Dimples"

[wa_lanz]

Ah Beng's Guide To Geographical Terminology

GORGES adj. stunningly beautiful

("That ger (girl) is gorges!")

BEACH noun. a derogatory term for a disliked woman

("That Bee Lian is such a beach, man!")

CORAL verb.

1. to bicker

("Want to coral, is it?")

2. (followed by reef) to argue with

("Want to coral reef me, is it?")

DAM noun. a swear word to express disgust or dismay

("Dam it, call her go Zouk, she doe wan.")

VALLEY adverb. extremely

("That Versachee belt, valley nice!")

THERMOMETER phrase. to meet the next day

("Cindy say thermometer at Taka.")

LATITUDE adjective. a disagreeable demeanour

(" She really got latitude problem man!")

CIRRUS adjective. certain

("Cirrus or not? Don' bluff!")

CANOPY phrase. impossible

("He bought new handphone? Canopy!")

[mUAr_cHEe]

TWO PRIESTS GO TO THE BEACH

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot ###### in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same ###### passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the ######, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The ###### replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

[hsloo]

Subject:A Nice Lawyer Story!!

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two

men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat

grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer

said.

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under

that tree"

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he

stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife

and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as

the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,

you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass

is almost a foot high!"

[mUAr_cHEe]

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister

and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide

down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel; it had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway

he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his

pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew

because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend

were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again.

By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

The mother fainted

[mUAr_cHEe]

Time to revive this thread, and keep all jokes in one thread!!

------------------

You got to read this out loud to get full effect.

Lee Sum Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr. Saw Lee: Yes, you can speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Saw Lee: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Saw Lee: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan, was i! nvolved in an

accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Mr. Saw Lee: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter!You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Lee Sum Wan: You are so rude! Who are you?

Mr. Saw Lee: I'm Saw Lee.

Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

[Travy]

HAHAHAHA!!!!!

[mUAr_cHEe]

Time to revive the thread abit.

Think we should keep all our jokes here. Then when other newbies join, they can just go through one whole thread for jokes. Although, myself abit guilty for starting new joke threads.

==============

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick we'd be riding the bus ...... so SHUT UP"

[iantoh]

hahhaahahaaha:P

[flying carpet]

Muar chee is the man!!!

[FuEl]

Tarantulas can kill a human with a single bite.

If you happen to be the size of a mouse. Or if you can get a heart attack just by looking at one.