The Official SRC Joke Thread!

[Achilles Tang]

Laughter is the best medicine...

> > > >

> > > > Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly

> > > > patients.

> > > > He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"

> > > >

> > > > Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the

> >strangest

> > > > thing.

> > > > Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on

for

> >me

> > > > automatically when I open the door!"

> > > >

> > > > The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he

phones

> >the

> > > > man's son, and the son's wife answers.

> > > >

> > > > The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your

> > > > father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and

> >opens

> > > >

> > > > the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...

> > > >

> > > > At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the

fridge

> > > > again!"

> > > > _______________________________________

> > > >

> > > > About Frogs in Hokkien:

> > > > QUESTION : How do you know frogs are Hokkien?

> > > > ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah".

> > > >

> > > > QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?

> > > > ANSWER : Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)

> > > >

> > > > QUESTION : How do Hokkien fish laugh?

> > > > ANSWER : Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)

> > > >

> > > > QUESTION : What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy

> >Tales?

> > > > ANSWER : Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..."

> > > > and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka

li

> > > > kong..."

> > > > -----------------------------------------------------

> > > >

> > > > Subject: Hokkien - just for a laugh

> > > >

> > > > Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone.

> > > >

> > > > Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all

> >the

> > > > edges cannot fix together, leh."

> > > >

> > > > Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"

> > > >

> > > > Lian: " The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in

> > > > talkingcock.com".

> > > >

> > > > Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah."

> > > >

> > > > Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to

the

> > > > kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.

> > > >

> > > > Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, " Kan ni na, put back the corn

> > > > flakes

> > > > into the box, lah."

[Achilles Tang]

Her Side of the Story :

> ==============

> He was in an odd mood Saturday night.

> We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon

> shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault

> because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything

> much about it.

>

> The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off

> somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We

> went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried

> to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something

> else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

>

> So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him

> deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the

> hell that meant because you know, he didn't say it back or anything,

> this is really worrying me.We finally got back home and I was

> wondering if he was going to leave me!

>

> So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and

> sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all

> over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then

> after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he

> responded to my

> advances. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I

> just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just

> don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing

> someone else and life is a diaster.

>

>

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> His Side of the Story:

> ==============

> Man U lost to Arsenal

[Achilles Tang]

It's time to upgrade your OS!

[Achilles Tang]

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

[Achilles Tang]

This joke is for lightingstrike!

The irate cabbie...

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned

out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned

out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned

out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet.

And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back - "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

[Achilles Tang]

Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. she wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an oerall tan. She'd hardly brhun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me miss," said the flustered assisitant manager of the hotel, out of breadth from running up the stairs. "The Hilton does'nt mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What's the difference does it make? "Sarah asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly, " said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight"

[Achilles Tang]

Great Beer Ad!

http://www.always-free.com/newsmovie/carling.wmv

[Achilles Tang]

[Achilles Tang]

No offence to all Punjabi friends!

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen.

This is your Captain 'James' Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba. This is flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your village.

Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and

memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits.

For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you quickly find out whether God really exists.

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying right next to

Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing convenience. For

passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat.

As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down.

Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea.

I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access to me in case

he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.

Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.

[Achilles Tang]

Lexus Car.....

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

[mUAr_cHEe]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had ######?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "O kay. Final question. Where did you have ###### at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."[ 3 minu tes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just ans wer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have ######, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last q uestion, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the @r$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

[seahorse2]

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he

decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed wrong

e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which

read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 16 May 2002

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

[Achilles Tang]

The radio talkshow joke is way FARNIE!!!

[lvcap]

the radio joke...

OMG...

great man..

i burst out luffing in my office...

[hammerhd]

For the beer lovers

After Great Britain's Beer Festival...

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Barons sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Barons?"

The Barons president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[hammerhd]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says,

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

[hammerhd]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[hammerhd]

mods if u think this is inapporiant pls del away

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH!

[decentkid]

By the time the morning service was to begin, only on man was in the church. The minister said to him, "It looks like everyone has sleptin. Do you want to go home or should i preach the sermon?"

The man replied, "When I go feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it."

The minister took that as a yes, mounted the pulpit and delievered an hour lon sermon. At the end, he asked the man what he thought.

His answer: "When i go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I dont give it the whole bucket!"

[decentkid]

About 15 members of my department decided to go bowling to celebrate a birthday. Crystalina, one of our staff called ahead to reserve some lanes. She was told that it wouldn't be necessary; if there were alot of people, they will just open another lane. Crystalina nevertheless insisted. And the person on the line again assured her she didn't need a reservation. Just as they were both becoming completely exasperated, the person on the other end of the line paused, the she said, " Uh, do you realise you've called a supermarket?"

[decentkid]

My doctor's receptionist called me to the desk to update my file. Before I could tell her that all the information she had was still correct, she asked, "Has your birthdate changed?"

[decentkid]

never give up

[decentkid]

An army lieutenant wanted to use the base's pay phone, but he only had a note. He say a private mopping the floor and asked him, "Soldier, do you have any change for this note?"

"I sure have buddy," the private answered

Giving him a mean stare, the lieutenant said, "Thats no way to address an officer. Let's try it again. Private, do you have any change for this note?"

"No, Sir," the private replied

[decentkid]

proof that girls are evil

[decentkid]

but guys are worst