The Official SRC Joke Thread!

[decentkid]

stupid questions people ask

1) At the movies: When you meet

acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over

here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed

high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local

anesthesia..... why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. When a friend announces her wedding, and you

ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating ,

insensitive lout...it's just the money.

5. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone

call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the

Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I

was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

6. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently

shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

7. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects

in your mouth...

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

8. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman

asks...

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answ! er:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a

piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!

[decentkid]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just

need

to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take

it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had

forgotten

to make. I found the number, and dialled it. A man answered saying,

"Hello?".

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin

Carter?". Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't

believe

that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her (I had transposed

the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and

hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it,

and p ut it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '@$$hole'

calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this

is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if

you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and

slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @$$hole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking

spot.

Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting

for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so

I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the fir st asshole (I had

his

number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,

too.

I dialed and someone said "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the

car's

parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an @$$hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my

speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it

used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called @$$hole #1.

"Hello?"

"You're an @$$hole!" (but I didn't hang u p.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"@$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black

Beemer out front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called @$$hole #2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello @$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your @$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, @$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay

lover.

Then, I called Cha nnel 13 News about the gang war going down on West

34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front

of

6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.

[decentkid]

There was once a British traveller who heard about a great white monkey which could be found in a small village in Thailand. Since it is an extraordinary if one could find a white monkey, he decided to see it all by himself. From his hotel, he took a taxi to go to the village. When he was in the taxi, he asked the taxi driver whether he has ever heard about the great white monkey. The taxi driver just remain silent.

However, he just warned the traveller by saying "Do not touch the great white monkey".

When he finally reached the village, he asked a villager, a lady, about the way to the great white monkey. The villager just direct him the way and also warned him "Do not touch the great white monkey".

The traveller walked towards the direction given to him when he finally bumped into a small boy and asked whether he has ever heard about the great white monkey.

The boy pointed to an old small hut and he said "Do not touch the great white monkey."

When he finally reached the hut, he saw an old man sitting at the door of the old hut. The traveller asked him about the great white monkey.

The old man led him to the back of his hut and there he saw the huge white monkey, sleeping in a cage. Before the old man go, he warned him "Do not touch the great white monkey".

By now the traveller was getting very curious and annoyed by all the same warning that he got. When he got closer to the great white monkey, he could see its long and sharp nails placing on its legs. The traveller felt a great urge to touch the great white monkey.

Without thinking of the consequences, he touch the leg of the great white monkey.

By doing that, he had woke up the great white monkey. The great white monkey opened its big red eyes and tried to reached for the traveller.

Seeing that, the traveller ran as fast as he could. He ran passed the old man, the small boy and the lady. However, the great white monkey is still angrily chasing just right behind him and they did nothing about it. Instead, they just looked stunned as they watched him running and screaming for help.

The traveller got onto the same taxi which sped up back to his hotel. When he looked back, the great white monkey was still chasing just a distance away from him.

When he reached the hotel, he rushed into the hotel and in the

lift. He was panting and was telling himself "Wow, that was close". When he reached the 15th floor, he walked slowly to his room, thinking the great white monkey had lost him.

To his surprise, he saw the great white monkey rushed out from the staircase exit and chased after him. The traveller sprint to his room and took out his roomcard to slide at the door. When he turned, he was too late. The great white monkey raised its huge hairy hand tapped him on the shoulder.............and it said "Touch you back."

[decentkid]

Never Argue with a Child! very cute and funny !!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school

for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun

made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a

large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,"Take all

you want. God is watching the apples."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it

was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even

though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little

girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;

it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,

"Then you ask him".

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to

persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how

nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer;

she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[decentkid]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[decentkid]

funny animations

http://www.boombastick.net/mainset.html

[decentkid]

Why english is so difficult to learn:

The bandage was wound around the wound

He could lead if he would get the lead out

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes

The insurance was invalid for the invalid

They were too close to the door to close it

[decentkid]

On buisness in Mexico, three men get drnk and wake up in the jail to learn they will be executed. None of them can recall what they did to deserve it.

The first man put in the electrical chair is asked for his last words. "I'm from Yale Divinty School and believe in the power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

The switch is thrown, but nothing happens. The jailers figure God wats the man alive, so they let him go.

The second man is strapped in. "I'm from Harvard Law School and believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

The switch is thrown; again, nothing happens. The jailers think the law must be on the man's side, so they let him go.

The last man says, " I'm an electrical engineer from MIT, and you're not electrocuting anybody if you dont connect those two lose wires down there."

[decentkid]

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “Pig! ”The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, “B#&ch!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[decentkid]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

[decentkid]

A ###### is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the ###### returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The ###### nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

[decentkid]

A ###### wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The ###### said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

[ozy]

One man has been born with three testicles and he has been extremely disturbed by the fact. One day he decided to go and see a doctor for the condition. Upon seeing the doctor, he feels too embarassed to state his condition direct so he said:

"Doctor, together you and me have 5 testicles." To which the doctor exclaimed immediately: "What! you mean you only have 1 testicle?"

[decentkid]

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a b!+ch!”

[decentkid]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there

is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

[decentkid]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[decentkid]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[diabolus]

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

[diabolus]

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

[diabolus]

Lance Corporal Ah Beng, Corporal Ahmad and Sergeant Arul were lost in the jungle. It was clear they would have to share responsibilities in order to survive. Sergeant Arul, as the most high-ranking soldier, took charge.

"Ah Beng," said Sergeant Arul. "Ahmad and I will recce ahead to see if there's any way out. We want you to stay behind here in the camp and take care of supplies for us. Can?"

Ah Beng nodded, and Ahmad and Arul set out ahead.

"Where's the bugger?" said Sergeant Arul, puzzled.

Whereupon Ah Beng immediately jumped out of the bushes and yelled at both of them, "Supplies!"(surprise)

[diabolus]

There was this case in a hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil....

As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath........ .... Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

[mUAr_cHEe]

School Jokes

how many RJC students does it take to fix a lightbulb? all. the arts fac designs the bulb and the science fac decides how to put it in.

how many HCJC students does it take to fix a lightbulb? all. because the have to compete with RJC.

how many ACJC students does it take to fix a lightbulb? none. they pay YJC to fix it.

how many TJC students does it take to fix a lightbulb? none. they think they're bright enough already.

how many VJC students does it take to fix a lightbulb?

one. the rest are busy cheering.

when you go to a polytechnic,best you go Singapore Polytechnic, because..

in Ngee Ann Poly (NP), you Never Pass

in Nanyang Poly (NYP), you Not Yet Pass

in Temask Poly (TP), you Tomorrow Pass

but in Singapore Polytechnic (SP), you Sure Pass!!!

[Marineman]

when you go to a polytechnic,best you go Singapore Polytechnic, because..

in Ngee Ann Poly (NP), you Never Pass

in Nanyang Poly (NYP), you Not Yet Pass

in Temask Poly (TP), you Tomorrow Pass

but in Singapore Polytechnic (SP), you Sure Pass!!!

If you get a degree, you become a bachelor,

After your degree, you can get married and become available (MBA),

After your MBA, you can get permanent head damage (PhD)

If you don't get a degree,

You get a diploma,

If you don't get a diploma,

You get a BUKIMA from your sponsors!

[Achilles Tang]

The Ah Beng jokes are farnie!

[pegasus1010]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various ###### positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and

then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really

enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this

position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.